I come from a society where many men are still struggling to accept one simple truth: a woman’s education — even higher education, a Master’s degree and beyond — does not cancel her ability to be a good wife and a good mother.
I grew up in a family of six children: five girls and one boy. And like in many African homes, the way chores were shared was never really a discussion. All responsibilities related to cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the house were automatically assigned to my sisters and me. My brother, on the other hand, carried only one responsibility: the invisible crown of being “the man of the house.”
This arrangement is a perfect reflection of many African households.
Regardless of how educated both genders are, the girl child is often groomed for marriage as a homemaker, while the boy child is groomed to be a provider. Because of this orientation, many men grow up believing that a “stay-at-home” woman is automatically better wife material.
Interestingly, I have come to realize that this way of thinking is not exclusive to African men. Some European, Asian, and other men still live by this same old-school ideology.
At first, these were just stories — stories of men who said they would prefer a “stay-at-home” woman when they were ready to settle down.
Then it became more personal.
Here in Germany, I’ve had close friends openly tell me that when they’re ready for marriage, they’ll go back to Africa to “find a good local girl.” In their defense, local girls are “well-behaved and easy to control” — as opposed to the educated “demons” (yes, that was the word used). According to them, the local girl would make a better wife.
At the time, I was indifferent to this school of thought. People are free to think and choose what they want. If a man feels that a local girl is what he needs, then that is his right.
Or maybe I was indifferent because I had not yet been labeled “a bad wife in the making” simply because I am educated and pursuing higher education.
At least not until that fateful day on a date with Tim — a handsome, educated German.
What he said to me at the end of what I thought was a wonderful date completely changed my neutral stance on this entire ideology.
Let me be very clear: I am not saying that “local girls” or “stay-at-home” women cannot build good homes. That is not my argument at all.
My argument is this: a woman being educated, informed, and exposed does not take away her ability to be a good wife and a good mother.
Choosing one woman over another simply because you believe one is “too exposed” and therefore will not feed your ego or submit to your need to feel like “the head of the house” is a painfully shallow way of thinking.
Many men fail to realize that “Head of the House” is not a title you are automatically entitled to. It is a role you earn through responsibility, character, emotional intelligence, and partnership.
Some men would literally abandon their educated, supportive girlfriends when they’re ready for marriage and travel to the middle of nowhere just to find a woman they believe will make them feel like “the man of the house.”
Sometimes I joke and say: if “Head of the House” were an option on official forms, some men would proudly tick it under “Title” — not as a responsibility, but as an identity.
And no — this is not about all men. It is simply an observation.
For the longest time, I thought all of this was just theory. Just conversations. Just other people’s choices.
Until one evening, over coffee, in a quiet café in Germany, with a man named Tim.
That was the night this ideology stopped being a discussion and became personal.
That was the night I was told, very calmly and very confidently, that I was “too bold.”
And that was the beginning of a story I didn’t know I was about to tell.
To be continued…
Because as always — it’s #mythoughtsyourmind.
A 21st Century Woman: What it Means. 
In these glorious times ours, I think this is a very important discussion that must be held everywhere. And it is high time we consider women as capable in every aspect, just as men. Over time, What I have learned is that respect is what most men want. Thus, they try to seek this by considering a lady with little or less education as wives. However, most of them forget that you have to command respect with your actions rather than demand it. Every woman either educated or not educated will always give you your due respect, if you do what’s right and respect her just as much as you want to be respected. RESPECT THEY SAY IS RECIPROCAL. I believe the world would be a better place if we can all learn to respect each other irrespective of whom you are or where you are from. Your actions determine my reactions, it has absolutely nothing to do with education or exposure.
Dear author, I would like if we change the term “Local girls” some women were simply less privileged, all women are powerful with or without education..
Cheers
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Very interesting topic to begin with. I believe we are having this conversation because our societies have reached a stage ,where all these topics have to be addressed properly to harmonize our cohabitation.
First of all, Marriage as an institution is primarily between two families and the community as a whole, the religious part of it still baffles me.
With that in mind, it is also useful to understand the cultural dynamics that come to play in this topic. In terms of bride or groom prize, delegation of roles and chores etc.. all these vary from society to society.
In order not to digress from Tims date, i believe its time we took a particular look into our society and how we perceive the roles and responsibilities, and what makes one a good partner or not.
I would love to cook for my wife whenever i have the chance, but what will society(my immediate family to be precise)say about it?
My girlfriend loves to wash the car and mow the lawns,but she feels its a little out of her way.
What will be your reaction when you find your brother doing her wifes laundry on a Saturday morning? Lets be honest.
Humans and our various cultures have always been dynamic, and i think its time ours got a few changes.
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@Morrison, thanks for your insight,
I do not agree any less that we need to address such issues, gone is the medieval
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Gone is the medieval times when certain roles were allocated to men and women distinctively, in contemporary times, men have taken on women’s duties and visa without any prejudice. If a man can completely change his body parts to look like a lady without the society judging him, why then should the same society judge a man for washing his wife’s clothes, or if a woman can go down on her knees and propose to a man and the society terms that “ok”, why should same society judge her for trying to mow the lawn? I think some men use societal pressure to hide their ego of being in charge. Women do that as well. So I think the solution is for people to stop using calculated reasons to get into or manage their marriage. Marriage is a partnership, and some some power seeking front. Thanks again and stay tuned with #mythoughtsyourmind#
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The institution of marriage is God’s agenda for a man a woman,”the two shall come together and become one”.Mind you no attributes are added command.Appostle Paul speaks only of believers and non believers. Carnality has creep into this God’s ordained Institution, with people using calculative mind set to get a partner.The highest scam we have on earth today is “Gender equality ” ,earthly agenda been introduced into the divine purpose of God for man.With this scam,men are struggling to get what will always put them a little higher than their wife,be it money,education etc,but is it supposed to be so? Ofcourse No.God is God of other,he said the man is the head of a family,just as christ is the head of the church.Again Women be submissive to your husband. God Glory is in man,and a man’s glory is in his wife. Unfortunately, most empowered women will not want to abide to God’s ordained principles for marriage leaving some men with no option ,than going for a lady that will now to them.In all marriage is a spiritual school and the word of God is the standard for it,Let keep our minds aside and work with the mind of God,and we will realised a woman is a woman, no matter the educational level, bank accounts, position.will be coming back.
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This is a definitely an interesting topic for women on both sides. What I find is that, this conversation is relevant as it questions women’s competitive disposition towards other women particularly with regards to men. It also hints at the pressure imposed on women to fit into an ideal mold and how society gives women a binary choice on who they can be. Why can’t a woman be educated, exposed and domestic? Why does she have to be domestic? Why do women have to fit society’s mold or be excluded? Why do women want/need to be regarded as a good ‘wife’ (according to society’s definition)?
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The honest truth is marriage as an institution requires a lot of sacrifice and basically the women sacrificed more because they are the one that have to put their career in hold for some certain period during pregnancy and Nursing. So men belief it will be easy for a woman who stayA at home than getting a career driven woman . Well to solve this imagine you as a man raising a daughter and arming her with the best education as a legacy, will it go down with you that such a lady end up cooking for a man for the rest of her life?
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You question is exactly the problem. An educated lady cooking for her husband does not take away her status as a well read lady, unless you are asking her to forgo her education and be a full time House wife, a lady can still juggle her carrier and home and still be the best at both. I am not just saying, we have a lot of carrier women out there who are wonderful wives and mothers.
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Excellent peice.
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I think it depends on the individuals upbringing. Being a first child In a family of 6. With first two children being male and the age gap between us will make appointing most of the domestic chores to the female difficult. I did most of the domestic work till they all grew and can think of doing it. Even I learnt the best and exotic way of cooking from my father. Whether a local girl or a well read girl, a good wife will be a good wife and a bad wife will be..
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#blarkraimez thanks for your insight. You are right, a good wife will be a good wife and a bad wife a bad wife but what is your take on most men thinking “stay at home” ladies or local girl would make better wives than educated and well read ladies?
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“because a lady is highly educated or informed does not take away the fact that she can as well be a good wife and mother” bam! bam! It is high time someone writes about this!
Long overdue! Thank you Sandrinne..hehe..I look forward to more punchlines…
Great work, Sis
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Thanks Sis Angie, honestly! It time for our men to be aware, because lots of them have followed that line of thoughts and fine themselves in devastating situations because their choice became the beginning of their end.
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